I Wonder

Sometimes
the writing is on the wall
but for weeks
it’s been on a handwritten sign
at the corner of Main Street
and Emerson Avenue–
black foamboard
white letters
hunched over in the snow–
a kind of crude, yet sincere
devotion to philosophy–
an invitation, really,
to fill in the blank.
“I wonder ______”
Two words that begin a question
so capacious
I worry about the one
who put it there–
what was she thinking?
It must have been a she
who believed existentialism
was the path to understanding
what couldn’t be easily defined–
or maybe it was a man
who erected the sign–
whose only wish
was to know what happened
to the woman who got away
and this was a cry to the universe–
a universe
that will never answer
or care.

 

 

 

 

DeMaris
1-20-18

Snow Angel

Today, the future has finally arrived
giftwrapped in snow—
it’s the future I hoped for
doubted
questioned
when I hiked alone
around Yellowwood Lake
a dozen years ago
on a white winter day like this—
ignorant, then,
of how to tell the oaks apart
after their leaves had fallen—
back when I hadn’t a clue
which bird was singing which song—
all I wanted in those days
was someone to share that beauty—
someone
who didn’t need to know anything
about the plants
that grew in wetlands
or on the prairies—
I could have been happy
with a partner
who knew nothing
of the migration patterns
of falcons and owls—
I could have loved someone
even if he couldn’t explain
the differences between
cumulus and cirrus clouds—
but somehow
here I am
on my back in the snow
making angels with someone
who wants to know as much about me
as he knows
about every wildflower
he’ll name for me in spring.

DeMaris
1-15-18

Painting by TC Steele, “Early Snow”

Suicide Attempt 

Mine
will start
in the car
and take me
to the edge
of California
because
that’s
the kind
of beauty
I want
to end up in
and
on the way
I’ll have time
to think
about
why
and why not
and I’ll stop
only
for fuel
and food
to keep
me alive
until I get
to the
redwoods
which
I’ll need
to see first
before
I go black
and it’s a
small hope
that they
will remind me
I have options
and to
go back
where
I came from
because
they know
what’s it’s like
to feel stuck
in one place
for so long
and still
grow.

 

 

 

DeMaris
1-13-17

Corner Booth

The beautiful man
in the black coat
turns away
sits alone
in a corner booth
looking into his hands
at the menu
so full of choices
and we who see him
wonder why he is alone
why his jaw is clenched
we wonder
if he loves someone
who doesn’t love
him back
and we speculate
that he is too pretty
to be loved
for anything other
than his beauty
because men like that
don’t have breakable
hearts or bodies
that are equipped
for anything
but sex
and when his food
arrives he waits
a long time
for his soup to cool
before he takes a sip
and in the meantime
he uses his napkin
to blot
his darkened eyes.

 

 

 

 

DeMaris
1-12-18

Filter

The filter is on
and love is squirming
twisting
trying to say
what it feels
like it needs to say
but I am the gatekeeper
who decides
how much
should be revealed
and I have one finger
on the trigger
one foot on the gas
another finger
over the barrel
and one heel
about to catch fire
from all this friction
all this dragging
all this restraint
that is supposed
to save me
from embarrassment
and the sudden
doe-eyed expression
on my face
that contains
every truth I can
never say.

 

 

 

DeMaris
1-2-17

Painting by Vilhelm Hammershoi, public domain

Job Security

Never mind
the fact that you
are in a position
of privilege
and have choices
to make about
where to dine
on Saturday night
and what kind
of hardwood
to use for your cabinets
in the new kitchen
you are able
to afford
and forget about
the sultry and exotic
places you’ll travel to
in the spring
and in the winter—
you are about
to begin
the second half
of your life
bankrupt
with money to spare
but none of it
can buy back
that love you lost
while you were
too busy
accumulating
things you thought
would keep it.

 

 

 

 

DeMaris
12-30-17

Painting by Vilhelm Hammershoi, “Interior with Easel”

Anniversary 

This is the day
you never thought
would be
a celebration
back when
you were sure
your enormous wish
was never going to fit
into the contours
of your life
so you did
what anyone in love
would do
you blew up
the boundaries
and stepped into
someone else’s world
with not a single
promise
to put everything
back how you found it
if what you’d done
turned out to be
in vain.

 

 

DeMaris
12-29-17