Tag Archives: despair

Under

Nowhere
to go
to be alone
and hidden
from the
scrutinizing
view
of loved ones
except the
bathroom—
the bathtub
if you can
get away
with it—
and you have
ten minutes
to get rid
of those tears
that will be
suppressed
not another
minute
and when you
turn off
the water
there will still
be grief
trying
to push
you under
which
you consider
for a moment
to be
somewhere
you should go.

 

 

 

 

DeMaris
2-9-17

Scar Tissue

I must
have known
all along
we would
come to this—
that you’d
retreat
into solitude
which is where
I found you
standing
alone
on all those
mountaintops
where people go
to find
themselves—
I should have
recognized
your freedom
as your joy—
that you were
already
complete
in your
solitary state
and didn’t need
my love
to make you
whole.

 

 

 

DeMaris
1-30-17

 

The List

After many years together
I started making lists
of intolerable things you did—
I would write them down
on my yellow pad of paper
and every time you did something nice
or thoughtful or considerate
I ripped out the page and sent it flying
toward the trash like a death row pardon.
You still do thoughtful things
that make me ashamed to keep track
of every fault I find—
but I am keeping the list this time—
letting it grow into a vine of offenses
I’ll be able to use as footing
for when I accumulate the courage
to disappear into one of these nights
you’re so good at turning black.

 

 

 

DeMaris
1-21-17

Photograph, Paul Caponigro “Two Leaves” 1963

 

Obstacle

When you sit down
and try to explain it all
to the blank screen
the first thing you think about
are the consequences
of blaming your despair
on the addictions of another
so you finish the sentence
and return to the work
of pretending everything
will be okay.

 

 

DeMaris
12-7-16